SEX FILES: Watch out for sexual red flags

Unless it is solo pleasure, sex isn’t one-person show

Published Sep 30, 2026  •  3 minute read

Unless we’re speaking of solo pleasure, sex isn’t a one-person show. “Sex requires communication, consent and a dynamic that considers both partners,” experts say. Photo by Postmedia Network files

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When I was in university — many moons ago — I had a one-night stand with a guy we’ll call Ethan. Nothing was particularly remarkable about the encounter, except that he treated missionary position like he was riding a bucking bronco — arms flailing and loud “woo-hoos!” included.

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When I recounted it to my girlfriends, I said, “It felt like he barely noticed I was there.”

We nicknamed his style of lovemaking “the guitar solo” because it was all about him. In retrospect, maybe we should have called it “the rodeo clown.”

As sexual red flags go, this one was hard to ignore. But not all problematic behaviour is that loud and easy to spot. This gets complicated because many of the supposed green flags we’ve been taught are desirable in a partner — like a partner who takes charge, doesn’t ask, moves fast and sells it as confidence and passion — are actually blazing crimson.

In many cases, what we mistake as “confidence” is actually arrogance, manipulation and control. “Someone who never asks what you like, never pauses to see how you’re doing and treats your body like something they already own isn’t giving you chemistry. They’re giving you a performance you never asked to be part of,” said Annette Benedetti, sex and intimacy coach and host of the Talk Sex With Annette podcast.

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To suss out whether someone is a red flag, Benedetti encourages people to pay attention to what they do when you say no to sex. Getty Images

‘Sex requires communication, consent’

Unless we’re speaking of solo pleasure, sex isn’t a one-person show. “Sex requires communication, consent and a dynamic that considers both partners,” said Lisa Finn, a sex expert at Babeland. If your partner is unwilling to do this or only communicates what they’re into without taking you into the equation, that is a red flag.

To suss out whether someone is a red flag, Benedetti encourages people to pay attention to what they do when you say no — even a small one like “not tonight.” She said, “If a soft no turns into sulking, pressure or a cold shoulder you end up apologizing for, that tells you everything about how consent will go later.”

It’s also worth noting how they behave in the 10 minutes after sex — like a human being or like they were suddenly done with you — and be wary of anyone who asks, “Did you come?” The question itself isn’t the issue — sometimes orgasms can be subtle — but rather the timing, said Suzannah Weiss, sex therapist and resident sexologist for Erojoy. “If you ask after sex is already over, this sends the message that you don’t care enough about your partner’s orgasm to make sure it happens in the moment.”

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At the end of the day, if you don’t feel safe sharing your needs and desires or when you do it becomes a crisis that requires you to apologize or repair your partner’s bruised ego, this is a giant warning sign that something isn’t right.

In this case, “the sex has quietly become about managing their feelings instead of sharing pleasure,” said Benedetti.

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Questions about character

While it’s easy to write these moments off as a case of sexual incompatibility, experts said there’s a big difference between differing sexual styles and red-flag behaviours.

“A mismatch is about desire. A red flag is about character,” said Benedetti.

A couple can be mismatched when it comes to libido, frequency and kink, but these are things they can still work through together. What this may look like: “We want different things; let’s figure out how to make each other happy.”

Benedetti said the difference is “how they treat you inside the gap.” It becomes a red flag when one partner has a “my way or the highway” attitude and rewrites the story so that their partner is always the problem.

“If every conversation about sex ends with you doubting your own memory, your own needs or your own sanity, that isn’t incompatibility,” said Benedetti.

A sexual mismatch is two people with different needs. “A red flag is one person deciding yours don’t count,” she said.

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