‘They don’t need to make this so easy’: The imagined thoughts of a Conservative strategist

Dear Diary: No matter what we promise, the poll numbers go up. Defund the CBC. Lock up criminals. Cut immigration. Don’t touch our guns. It’s all working

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Published Dec 28, 2024  •  Last updated 0 minutes ago  •  3 minute read

CP-Web. A man is silhouetted walking past a Conservative Party logo before the opening of the Party's national convention in Halifax on Thursday, August 23, 2018. Four federal Conservative party leadership candidates face-off against each other for the first time tonight in a race that's been repeatedly upended by the COVID-19 pandemic. Photo by Darren Calabrese /THE CANADIAN PRESS

As Canada enters 2025, the Conservative Party is riding a historic high in the polls that only seems to grow stronger with each passing week. The party has long been poised to win a majority in the next election, but amid the very public self-immolation of the Trudeau government, they are now looking at the possibility of a victory so total that the Liberals won’t even form opposition in the next Parliament.

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In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of a Conservative strategist.

Monday

Do you have any idea how hard it was to be a Conservative in Canada? For years, the strategy was the same: Hang up a pride flag, flinch if anyone said “abortion,” and pretend you didn’t hear if they ever asked about health-care reform. Then, once voters become sufficiently disillusioned with the Liberals every generation or so, they might accidentally give you a minority government.

But now? No matter what we promise, the poll numbers go up. Defund the CBC. Slash the budget. Lock up criminals. Cut immigration. Don’t touch our guns. It’s all working.

Just the other day, our leader publicly said it was a bad thing to put males in women’s prisons if they self-identify as transgender. Half the comms staff had a panic attack just thinking about it … but it was fine. The Toronto Star didn’t even bother to accuse us of trans genocide.

Tuesday

We’re not stupid. We know that we can’t beat the NDP when it comes to free government stuff. If we promise a $15 minimum wage, they just promise a $30 minimum wage. If we promise a guaranteed minimum income, they’ll just promise everyone a guaranteed minimum helicopter.

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But they didn’t need to give us a monopoly on the issue of, say, not being stabbed. I’m no student of the left, but you can seize the means of production without constantly giving bail to armed psychos.

And, again, it’s not like they’ll ever have to put their ideas into practice. All they have to do is say “constant random stabbings by criminals on bail is bad” … and then offer some wildly unworkable solution to fix it, like postal banking or subsidized groceries. “The NDP has a plan to fix all the stabbings,” they could say.

But that day never comes. I can’t imagine they’re pro-stabbing, and yet the issue is left to us.

Wednesday

I sometimes wonder if my political powers have become supernatural. I’m serious; it’s as if I have some kind of effect over my political rivals. I merely picture what I want them to do … and it happens.

I sensed it all the way back in 2019. I joked with friends, “Wouldn’t it be wild if a bunch of minstrel photos of Trudeau came out?” One time over beers I mused, “What if Trudeau inaugurates Truth and Reconciliation Day to use it as an excuse to slip away for a surf vacation?”

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I didn’t dare think either of these things would happen but … there it was. Am I doing this?

Thursday

“Ski. Go skiing. Leave Ottawa. Take a jet to an expensive ski resort and ski,” I thought, staring at a portrait of Trudeau.

Seemingly within minutes, he was on a jet and seemingly on his way to a ski vacation. And not somewhere close like Mont Tremblant. A B.C. resort that required burning several bathtubs of taxpayer-funded jet fuel just to get there. No … it couldn’t be.

Friday

I’m being irrational. I’m losing my mind. There’s no way I can control the minds of rival politicians. It’s all just a coincidence.

But then I pulled up an image of NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh. “Denounce the government. Call it corrupt. Call it damaging to workers. Say Canadians are waiting for a change. Then prop it up. Vote yes in confidence votes. Say prorogation is necessary for ‘stability.’ Drive a Maserati. Tell your caucus to wear keffiyehs.”

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