I have a high-stress job and a toddler. The problem is my narcissistic mother | Ask Rebecca

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Your career is demanding. You have a husband. A pint-size dictator to raise. You do not need another adult with unlimited texting privileges asking how many bites your kid ate from that dinosaur-shaped chicken nugget.

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Unfortunately, many adult daughters of overbearing mothers spend years hoping, “Maybe she’ll understand this time if I explain myself differently.” I hate to break it to you, but all your mother will ever hear is, “Why are you attacking me?” Emotionally immature parents rarely see themselves as controlling. This may ring especially true if you’re an only child.

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But you do not owe your mother live coverage of your parenting, with play-by-play updates if your toddler has been fed, bathed, napped, has blinked and found his nose. Your kitchen, as far as I know, is not a breaking news television station.

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You do not have to answer unsolicited parenting commentary. Period.

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The right thing to do is to start responding with, “He ate.” That’s it. That’s your response. So is silence. That, too, is a response.

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“Is there any hope?” is not even a realistic question, based on your situation. A better question to ask is, “Can you manage some sort of relationship with your mother as she is, not as the mother you wish she had been, and the grandmother you wish she could be?”

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Instead of asking, “How do I make her understand my reasoning?” Ask, “How do I stop needing her to understand my reasoning?” You are an adult, and you are not alone. Honestly, difficult mothers are probably what keep most therapists employed.

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You have explained your position to her. Repeatedly. Your husband has too. You already know you cannot boundary your mother into an ah-ha moment. You cannot boundary someone into changing their entire personality. You cannot boundary someone into therapy. If that happens, buy a lottery ticket immediately.

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What you can do is stop second-guessing your boundaries. Your mother lashing out or being upset does not mean you’ve done anything wrong. Your mother does not need to understand your boundaries for you to have them.

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And you — yes you! — can stop treating every incoming message like they are a life-or-death emergency. Stop it! Stop defending your parenting decision. Stop responding to every “Did he eat?” text as though Child Protective Services is waiting outside your house.

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While this may sting, there is probably no hope for a dramatic mother-daughter reset. So, you can stop exhausting yourself with the hope that she’ll become the mother you want.

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But there is hope… for you. To become a different type of daughter, who no longer feels guilty for having boundaries, ignoring phone calls or taking breaks.

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You could start with one small act of bravery, by putting your mother’s number on “Do Not Disturb” or on “Hide Alerts.”

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Also, have you eaten today?

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Love,
Rebecca 

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Rebecca Eckler is a bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She believes advice should come with humour, compassion, and the occasional reality check. She has no formal qualifications for this other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

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