DEAR ABBY: Good friend passes away during ‘off-again’ phase

Reader asks Abby what the best way to reach out to his widow

Published Sep 11, 2026  •  Last updated 21 minutes ago  •  3 minute read

A man's death has his on-again, off-again friend wanting to reach out to his widow. Photo by Seventyfour /Adobe Stock

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DEAR ABBY: My friend “Ben” and I had many ups and downs in our 30-year friendship. Three years ago, we had one of our periodic blowouts and stopped speaking. I found out recently that he passed away a year later, and I was never informed. The obituary I found online does not mention a cause of death.

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I wrote a letter of condolence to his wife, but it was returned, and I found out that she moved away from the house where she and Ben had been living. I would like to know what happened to my friend, as he was only in his early 50s. Although we were not speaking at the time of his death, we had many years of friendship under our belts, and I cared about him. I found a Facebook page for his wife, but this seems an impersonal way of reaching out on such a sober topic. Any suggestions? — CARED FOR HIM IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CARED: If you and Ben had mutual friends, a way to find out the information you’re looking for, including his widow’s address, might be through them. Do it privately. To approach her online asking for the details of his death would be off-putting, insensitive and possibly hurtful in light of the fact that you were estranged at the time of his death.

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DEAR ABBY: My 63rd birthday is coming up. I do not like celebrating my birthday and never have. I would prefer that the day be ignored. I know my wife of almost 38 years, our two boys and their significant others are planning something.

I would prefer they spend the money on themselves or at least donate it to some worthy charity rather than spend it on me. Given that birthdays are important to them, must I just grin and bear it, or should I say something and risk causing ill will? — OLDER IN ISRAEL

DEAR OLDER: Surely your wife, who has been with you for nearly four decades, knows your feelings on this subject. Tell her you know something is afoot, and gently mention that you would prefer that the celebration be kept small. Name the charity of your choice, and tell her you hope the birthday budget will be sent there rather than spent on you.

If your wife ignores your plea and a massive fete does materialize, do your best to endure it with grace and a smile. Remember that these people are celebrating you because they love you.

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DEAR ABBY: I’m married, and I’ve recently started developing a crush on my co-worker. We have worked together for four years. I’m not going to pursue anything, because cheating is against my morals. I just feel bad for having these feelings. What can I do to get my feelings toward my co-worker in check? — CRUSHING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CRUSHING: The guilt you are experiencing is a good thing; it has kept you from making a terrible mistake. If it’s any comfort, bear in mind that crushes like this usually lessen in time, even if they make the present somewhat uncomfortable.

TO MY READERS: Happy New Year to my friends of the Jewish faith! During this time of repentance, observant Jews reflect on their lives and make amends, seeking a closer relationship with God. Happy Rosh Hashanah! — LOVE, ABBY

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