SEX FILES: Dating, fitness and closing the confidence gap

New survey says women are more likely than men to want a fitter partner, yet they're far more anxious about actually dating one

Published Aug 03, 2026  •  Last updated 3 hours ago  •  4 minute read

According to a new survey, some women report feeling anxious about dating a fitter partner. Photo by Rido /Adobe Stock

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Years ago, I dated a man who was a former Olympic triathlete with abs that an old-timey Grandma could really wash a shirt on. It was around the time when the popularity of CrossFit was at its peak, and this man was an evangelist. At first I admired his dedication to fitness. I thought surely a man who could commit to rolling a tire across a warehouse-turned-gym at 6 a.m. every day could commit to me.

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But then, I noticed some things.

His eyes lingering a little too long on my hand as I reached for another fry. His unsolicited advice for how I could get in “even better shape.” The gag-inducing travel mug full of protein shake blended with cottage cheese and beet juice that came with him everywhere.

His washboard abs didn’t negate the fact that I felt monitored, like I was dating my grade nine gym teacher and couldn’t escape the persistent anxiety that at any moment this guy was going to ask me to “drop and give me 20!”

As someone who is already super active and in great shape, I didn’t like the way being around him made me feel.

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We broke up, and I can’t say I miss the guy.

My experience isn’t an anomaly.

Sweating over fit partners

A new survey from Hily Dating App found that women are more likely than men to want a fitter partner (46% vs. 31%), yet they’re far more anxious about actually dating one. Nearly half reported feeling uncomfortable getting undressed in front of a partner with a noticeably fitter body, and 32% say dating someone very disciplined about fitness is actually stressful.

In fact, the majority of women feel “out of their league” even matching with a fitter date — a statistic that, for lack of a better word, bums me out because it illustrates the cultural hierarchy of which types of bodies are deemed most attractive.

“Your beliefs about what is considered worthy and desirable don’t exist in a vacuum,” explains Kimberly Anne, a somatic sexologist and relationship coach for Lustery and House of Lustery.

A person’s physique doesn’t determine their attractiveness

Socially and culturally, many of us have received messages about what qualities are desirable in a partner. “Over time, you may have internalized these messages, leaving physical appearance as a measure of your value, or someone else’s. If you’re using the phrase “out of their league,” this may reflect those learned beliefs, rather than the reality,” says Anne.

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The language we use to describe attraction both reflects and reinforces these beliefs. As Adam & Eve resident sex therapist Dr. Jenni Skyler explains, “Even the term “out of my league” demonstrates a dysfunctional cultural narrative that has assigned human beings a market value based on their bodies, and a generation of women who absorbed this.”

The truth is that attraction is nuanced and buying into the narrative that fit bodies are the most attractive hurts us all. “Calling someone “out of your league” reveals how easily we confuse appearance with worth,” shares Courtney Boyer, Resident Clinical Sex Educator at pjur. “Fitness doesn’t automatically make someone more desirable or deserving of love, and having a different body doesn’t make someone less so.”

Believing that we can only comfortably date within our “league” is a form of self-sabotage. “To assume that a fit person is seeking a sexy gym buddy instead of a fun person with different hobbies and interests may cause you to miss out on a nice person who happens to enjoy the gym,” explains Lindsay Goldwert, a sex educator and the author of Bow Down: Lessons from Dominatrixes on How to Be a Boss in Life, Love and Work.

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Look beyond appearances

While the triathlete I dated was a jerk, writing off all fitness enthusiasts is a mistake. Goldwert says, “We all have body shame, and a good guy might be relieved to find someone who isn’t judging them by their reps or their fat mass.”

The tipping point is when attraction starts to feel conditional within the relationship. “If one partner feels judged, restricted or consistently secondary, that usually means we’re in unhealthy territory. A balanced discipline leaves room for flexibility, connection, and mutual respect,” says Boyer. She adds, “If those things are in question, then it’s likely already negatively impacting the relationship.”

Boyer says that couples don’t need identical habits; they need curiosity and bodily autonomy. She encourages couples to discuss what helps each person feel supported, avoid policing food or exercise, and create shared activities that aren’t centred on changing either person’s body.

When all is said and done, “The red flag shouldn’t be how much he deadlifts; it should be if he never shuts up about it,” says Goldwert.

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