My friends are accused of white-collar wrongdoings. Should I ditch them? | Ask Rebecca

Rebecca Eckler offers readers' advice about life's messy twists. Photo by Courtesy of Rebecca Eckler

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Ask Rebecca is smart, honest advice to readers’ questions about life, family and relationships by columnist Rebecca Eckler. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously on the form here. You can also send an email to [email protected].

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Dear Rebecca,

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Two of my oldest and closest friends have been accused of some serious white-collar wrongdoing. I don’t know exactly what’s true, but mutual friends are already distancing themselves. I’ve known these people for decades. They’ve always been incredibly loyal and dependable friends to me and my family, and I love them.

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But I’m struggling to reconcile the people I know with what they may have done. Right now, everything is sort of based on gossip and rumours. I feel torn between my loyalty to them and my own moral compass. Do I walk away because I disapprove of what they may have done and feel pressured by our other friends to stop talking to them?

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Dear Conflicted Friend,

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I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to begin this answer from some moral high ground. Instead, I’m going to tell you what I actually think.

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Stay friends. Do not ditch them.

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There. Now let’s continue.

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I should make one thing clear: I’m assuming what you’re describing is serious, but not murder, sexual abuse or violence. Those are different conversations, with very different stakes, and would make this a considerably shorter column.

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But you’re talking about alleged white-collar wrongdoing. You think some of what you’ve heard may be true. Some may not be. There are allegations, rumours and enough whispers circulating that mutual friends have already started distancing themselves.

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I still wouldn’t. This is where I should disclose that I’m not writing this entirely hypothetically.

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I have three friends who have done things that, if I only read about them in the news instead of personally knowing them for years, would probably have made me think, I can’t believe I’m friends with this person.

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People stopped talking to them. Their names became dinner-party fodder. People who barely knew them suddenly had very strong opinions about their moral character.

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I kept meeting them for lunch. I kept meeting them for coffee.

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But one significant difference exists between my situation and yours. You don’t actually know what happened.

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These are two of your closest friends, whom you’ve known for decades, and you’re currently getting their story from everybody except them.

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Before ending decades-long friendships, I might suggest you squeeze in one conversation. Ask them what the hell happened.

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Because rumours are fascinating. Someone says, “I heard there may have been some financial impropriety,” and before you know it your friends haven’t just done something questionable. They’re now Bernie Madoff with fake passports and left on a private jet for the Caymans with money stolen from a children’s charity.