I’m getting divorced but don’t know how to tell my elderly, traditional parents | Ask Rebecca

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First, give yourself credit for something that may not feel obvious now. You’ve already done the hardest part. After years of disappointment, thinking, rethinking, you’ve made a painful decision. I’m assuming your three children know and you found the courage to tell the people whose lives will change the most. Compared to that, telling your traditional elderly parents is really just another conversation — not the biggest one.

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Dreading telling your parents the most tells me this is less about the divorce than it is about fearing disappointing Mom and Dad. Funny that you can have a mortgage, teenagers and a divorce lawyer, yet no matter how old we are, telling parents something you know they won’t want to hear can make you feel like you’re about to get grounded from a house you haven’t lived in for 30 years. Some things, like anxiety of letting our parents down, never change.

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I’d love to tell you exactly how I broke the news. But my brain seems to have hit “delete,” which should tell you everything you need to know about how much I enjoyed those “dreaded” conversations. You’re asking how to tell them, but you’re also asking how to make sure you aren’t letting them down. You can’t. No perfect combination of words is going to make two people who don’t believe in divorce and have been married for six decades say, “Divorce? Fantastic idea!”

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Parents have astonishing memories. They remember your Grade Two report card, and the name of your piano teacher when you were eight. So, think very carefully before giving them details they’ll never be able to un-remember.

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Tell them what they need to know, not everything you know. The right thing to do is say something like, “There were major issues in our marriage. I spent a really long time trying to work it out, but I have reached the point where I know our marriage is over. Please understand this wasn’t a decision made lightly or quickly.”

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Sharing every painful detail may help your parents understand, but it could and probably will permanently alter their relationship with the father of their grandchildren, even if the divorce is best for everyone. Believe me, there will be graduations, birthdays and about 3,000 other family occasions where everyone needs to congregate and make it to dessert.

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Give your parents a minute to absorb that the marriage they assumed would last forever is over. They may be shocked. They may worry about the children. They may ask if you should try one more time. They may even remind you that “marriage is forever.” Let them react. But remember, their initial reaction is also unlikely to be their final reaction.

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Keep reminding yourself that staying in a marriage that left you deeply unhappy isn’t a lesson most parents, including yours, would actually want their children and grandchildren to learn. Your parents are allowed to be upset. You’re allowed to get divorced.

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They will eventually wrap their heads around it. Trust me.

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For what it’s worth, I think you’ll be just fine. And at least you only have to tell them about one divorce.

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