DEAR ABBY: Wife is unhappy with her birthday ‘gifts’ — and the giver

Published Dec 27, 2024  •  Last updated 0 minutes ago  •  2 minute read

A couple's argument during a trip seems indicative of a larger problem in their relationship. Photo by file photo /Getty Images

DEAR ABBY: My husband took me on a trip for my birthday this year, only he didn’t prepare for anything other than some sightseeing events. He didn’t help plan for camping, didn’t financially plan well for souvenirs or if we wanted to eat out, and had a crappy attitude the entire time. We got into an argument at almost every event we went to because he either disagreed with my preferences or pushed back at my calling him out for pouting.

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I’m upset because this was supposed to have been a “makeup” trip from him for ruining my birthday years prior, and for pretty awful fights we were having leading up to my birthday. I had tried to back out, but he convinced me to go. My actual birthday was the day after we got home. He ignored me the entire day, and we got into another argument. We had a few friends over, but overall, I was pretty upset and felt unloved by him.

When I addressed it the next day, he told me no one should get a “birthday week” and called me ungrateful and unappreciative of his efforts. Am I wrong for being upset? This was supposed to be his birthday gift to me, but it felt more like I took him on a trip he didn’t even want to be on. — BIRTHDAY GIRL IN MICHIGAN

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DEAR GIRL: It is possible your expectations surrounding your birthdays may be, in your husband’s opinion, grandiose. Have you two been arguing about more subjects than birthday celebrations, and if so, for how long?

Speaking safely from the sidelines in order to avoid the crossfire, I suggest you ask your doctor (or health insurance company) to recommend some licensed marriage and family counsellors. There are healthier ways to manage conflict in relationships than the way you two are doing it.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my daughter-in-law. I know she loves me, but I don’t think she likes me. An example: Yesterday, I met her and my son at my granddaughter’s dance recital. When I entered and sat down next to them, she barely looked up from her phone, yet when another mother arrived, she leapt up and chatted for minutes.

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This kind of thing happens often. When we are alone together, she chats with me, but if someone else is in the group, it’s like I’m not even there. I have no other complaints about her. She is a terrific mom and partner to my son. Should I talk to her about this? How do I bring it up without making her defensive? — IGNORED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IGNORED: I don’t doubt that your daughter-in-law loves you. However, she may be so comfortable around you that she’s treating you like family … in other words, taking you for granted. She jumps up when she sees her contemporaries because she doesn’t see them as often as she sees you, and they may have fresh news to talk about. Be grateful that when you are alone you communicate well. I don’t think there is anything positive to be gained by approaching her with this.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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