DEAR ABBY: Relationship blossoms amid loss and heartbreak

Published Oct 13, 2024  •  Last updated 24 minutes ago  •  3 minute read

A woman wonders if she should "cool it" with her still married lover. Photo by file photo /Getty Images

DEAR ABBY: My husband died a year ago, after a nine-year battle with dementia. I recently met a man, “Richard,” whose wife is in the end stages of dementia, which could last for several months or for several years. We have fallen for each other and are a great fit.

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We are keeping our relationship from his children since dealing with their mother’s slow death seems traumatic enough. Richard’s siblings know and are thrilled to see their brother gain a bit of happiness again. My family knows, but their evangelical Christian stance is black and white — to them, I am an “adulteress.”

It’s painful to be distanced from my family, but I feel joy and hope when I am with Richard. Should I cool it until his wife passes? We are in our mid-60s and we’re afraid of running out of time. By the way, Richard is financially well off. He pays a team of caregivers to be with his wife during the day, and he is with her at night. He wants to keep her home as long as he is able. I admire and love him. Am I wrong? — WAITING IN THE SOUTH

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DEAR WAITING: You and Richard are in your 60s — you’re not exactly over the hill. He spends time with his ailing wife and sees to it that she’s taken care of when he cannot be with her. If you find comfort in each other and his wife is not neglected, I don’t think you are doing anything wrong. Then again, I am not an evangelical Christian. If, however, you feel it’s necessary to live your life according to standards other than your own, discuss it with Richard, and perhaps “cool it” until his wife is gone.

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DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of five years has a 28-year-old daughter, “Courtney,” who hasn’t liked me since day one. She never tried to get to know me and was rude and disrespectful from the start. Her mom ignored it and did nothing.

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We have reached the point where we want to get married, and Courtney says we won’t be invited to share holidays with her, and she will never come to visit us. In fact, whenever Courtney calls her mom, if I am nearby, she hangs up on her mom. Her mom has now broken out with psoriasis and is losing hair from the stress. She’s afraid of losing her daughter and is ready to end our relationship.

I told my girlfriend her relationship with Courtney is toxic and she needs to step back until Courtney is willing to go to therapy and make amends. With the exception of the issues created by her daughter, we have an amazing relationship — a love neither of us has ever experienced before. What should I do? — ROADBLOCK IN FLORIDA

DEAR ROADBLOCK: As long as Courtney is allowed to dictate how her mother lives her life, you two won’t have a successful marriage. Unfortunately, the power play Courtney is pulling isn’t all that unusual. Ask your lady friend to join you for premarital counselling, where a licensed therapist can help her to free herself from Courtney’s control. I am not promising it will work, but it’s the best chance you have for a successful future together.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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