DEAR ABBY: Ex’s passing is just a reminder that he was a jerk

An advice-seeker feels indifference toward her first husband.

Published Aug 02, 2026  •  Last updated 25 minutes ago  •  3 minute read

Image of a stainless steel casket with flowers. Photo by Laurin Rinder /Adobe Stock

DEAR ABBY: After a nearly 20-year marriage, my first husband, “Lloyd,” told me his feelings for me had changed. He said we needed “some time apart,” but he didn’t want a divorce. He immediately went to a lawyer and executed a financial settlement for me, still insisting he wasn’t going to file for divorce. Six weeks later, I bought a house and moved. Two weeks later, Lloyd’s son told me my husband moved a woman in with him two days after I moved out. Obviously, we divorced.

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In time, I remarried and was very happy for 13 years until my husband died. I took care of him for the last three years. A year later, my older brother became ill, and I went to help him 300 miles away. It also turned into a nearly three-year stay.

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I have been back home for only a year and a half now. I just received a text from a friend of Lloyd’s, telling me Lloyd has passed away. None of Lloyd’s family contacted me, nor did they let me know his brother had died a while back. I have been so hurt by this man. After I moved, he told many lies. He said that I had been cheating, etc., and literally turned the whole community against me. When the true story came out, a lot of people apologized for treating me so badly.

I feel indifference toward my ex. The bad memories with him far outweigh the good ones, and I don’t want to go to his funeral. It would feel two-faced because I lost all respect for him many years ago. Am I wrong for not acknowledging his death? — MOVING ON IN THE SOUTH

DEAR MOVING ON: You certainly are not wrong. People attend funerals in order to pay their respects and emotionally support the grieving family. Your presence is not required at this one. Lloyd’s family would not welcome it, and neither would the woman who helped to break up your marriage. On that day, do something you would enjoy, ideally with friends who support you.

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DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my mother bought a pair of diamond earrings for us to split. She wears one every day, and I wear the other. She tried doing the same thing with my older sister about 20 years ago, but after my sister lost her diamond earring for the second time, they mutually agreed to give up.

Last summer, my mother gave me a box of old jewelry, odds and ends. I found two diamond earrings that looked similar but weren’t from the same pair, so I took them — who doesn’t like diamonds? Now I am realizing they’re likely Mom’s half of the pairs she split with my sister. Can I wear them? I have a place for each, but would it be an act of bad faith to horn in on what was originally their tradition? — BEJEWELED IN NEVADA

DEAR BEJEWELED: Your mother gave you the box of old jewelry. The items were hers but now they are yours. Your sister lost the mates to those earrings and the tradition ended. Your sister should have no claim on them. Wear them and enjoy them without guilt.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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