We give our jobless 41-year-old daughter $5K a month and she only calls to ask for more | Ask Rebecca

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The journalist in me can’t help but wonder where the money is going. Have you ever asked your daughter to walk you through where that $5,000 is going each month? Rent? Debt? An unfortunate relationship with Sephora?

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But if, say, your daughter is struggling with depression, anxiety or another legitimate obstacle, she deserves compassion and professional help.

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Either way, whatever you’ve been doing isn’t working. Not for your daughter, and certainly not for you. When a parent starts feeling used by their own child, it’s a sign that something in the relationship, not just the finances, needs to change.

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According to you, every conversation somehow circles back to her, and eventually to money requests. It’s completely understandable that special occasions like birthdays and Father’s Day fill you with dread, especially if you feel like you’re getting a call from a creditor instead of well-wishes from your own daughter.

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You’re not actually done with your daughter. You’re done feeling like your wallet gets more attention than you do. After years of monthly e-transfers, ask yourself this: Are you helping or making things worse?

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I suspect many parents will read your letter and nod. Parents are hardwired to help. They may not be sending $5,000 a month, but they’re paying rent, covering groceries, financing vacations, babysitting full-time or co-signing loans. They want to be emotionally available, supportive and nonjudgmental, and that is wonderful.

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But some have also become so afraid of damaging the relationship that they find it hard to say “No.” I’m not suggesting you cut your daughter off tomorrow morning. The right thing to do is give her notice. We do it for landlords. We do it for employers. We can do it for our own children.

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Stop sending monthly support, not abruptly, but with a clear timeline and even clearer message. Write, “We love you. We’ve thought this through carefully, and we can no longer continue to provide $5,000 a month. We’ll continue supporting you for the next two months while you make other arrangements. We’re happy to help you explore employment opportunities, career counselling or other resources, but after that the financial support ends.”

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Once you set the boundary, you need to stick to it. Otherwise, you’ll be right back where you started.

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She may be angry, accuse you of not caring, and may even threaten to cut you out of her life. Adult children going “no contact” is having a moment. But that’s another conversation.

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After five years and roughly $300,000, I don’t think you’ve failed your daughter. But sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is stop making it so comfortable not to change.

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It’s time for the Bank of Mom and Dad to close. Permanently.

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— Love, Rebecca
Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

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