SEX FILES: Why do people crave chaotic relationships?

'Chaotic relationships have dramatic emotional highs and lows. For some people, chaotic relationships feel exciting because the uncertainty activates their nervous system'

Published Jun 21, 2026  •  Last updated 24 minutes ago  •  4 minute read

“Chaos kink describes the feeling of being drawn to relationships that are unpredictable and unstable,” explains Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist.

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It started in my late teens and early 20s: a series of relationships that can only be described as chaotic. Not knowing any better, I chased sparks and intense chemistry, mistaking them for love. Instead of emotional safety, I got exes who lied, manipulated, and played with my feelings. Guys who went in and out of jail and rehab and could never decide how they felt about me.

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They were slot machine relationships; the rewards so rare and intermittent that when things were “good,” I clung to these moments with a vice grip.

You could say I was addicted to the chaos.

While I’m grateful I grew out of this phase, not everyone does. Dating site Ashley Madison has revealed its annual “Discreet Dictionary,” and within it is a trending dating term for this pattern: “chaos kink.” If you’re perpetually drawn to chaotic and drama-fuelled relationships, you might have one.

“Chaos kink describes the feeling of being drawn to relationships that are unpredictable and unstable,” explains Tammy Nelson, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist and author of When You’re the One Who Cheats and Open Monogamy.

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The science behind the emotional roller-coaster

Nelson says she sees this pattern often in her practice. For many, the draw isn’t the chaos itself but the intensity it creates. “Chaotic relationships have dramatic emotional highs and lows. For some people, chaotic relationships feel exciting because the uncertainty activates their nervous system,” she says.

Similar to gambling, it can have a strong emotional pull. “The anticipation of, ‘Will they text me back?’ or ‘Where do we stand?’ can be mistaken for chemistry or passion. The longing phase of a relationship can feel like real potential,” says Nelson.

Many people are drawn to chaotic relationships because they feel familiar. For example, Nelson says, “Chaos in a relationship can signal a childhood where unpredictability felt like love. If love and attachment were inconsistent growing up, or if you had to work hard to feel deserving of attention, the lack of consistency in a chaotic relationship today might feel like a ‘do-over.’” In other words, by getting it “right” this time, they can heal old wounds.

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Being drawn to relationships that feel like a roller-coaster can also have a neurobiological basis. “Surges of dopamine and adrenaline can be misinterpreted as evidence of a connection, when they may actually be an overactive nervous system,” says Nelson. She adds, “Sometimes what we call a ‘spark’ is actually anxiety.”

How to tell if you’re feeding a chaos kink

Throw in the fact that dating apps offer endless choices and how we’ve romanticized overcoming obstacles as a sign of passion in relationships, and you have the perfect storm for chaos kinks. So, how do we tell if we’re feeding a chaos kink? Dr. Suzanne Wallach, PsyD, LMFT, encourages people to ask how they feel when they’re away from the person. “If you have genuine chemistry with someone, you feel connection, curiosity, and excitement,” says Wallach.

When a connection is secure, it activates the nervous system in a healthy way. “You’re not obsessed. You don’t have anxiety. You don’t become hypervigilant, checking their location, wondering what they’re doing, or constantly checking your phone to see when they’re going to call,” says Wallach.

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You also won’t feel the need for constant reassurance. Wallach explains it’s best to think of a healthy connection as ‘butterflies, not lightning bolts.’ “Butterflies are that healthy uncertainty and those light feelings of attraction. Lightning bolts are when your nervous system is on fire, you’re emotionally unstable, you don’t know where you stand, you’re checking your phone, and you’re overanalyzing everything,” she says.

On the other hand, lightning bolt relationships burn you out emotionally. Feeding your chaos kink is exhausting, and as Wallach explains, “these dynamics can contribute to anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and years spent not finding what you actually want.”

What it take to break up this pattern

If you’re ready to break the cycle, Wallach encourages people to slow things down. “Make decisions about compatibility based on consistency, not intensity. Evaluate how someone shows up over time rather than how they make you feel in the very beginning,” says Wallach. When you’re around them, do you feel safe and relaxed or anxious and worried?

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Ultimately, though, to find a healthy relationship, you have to rewrite the narrative that stability equals boring.

“In reality, healthy relationships don’t feel like a roller-coaster. They should feel more like a yoga class,” says Wallach.

If you need help getting there, reach out to a therapist to help you work through roadblocks. As Nelson reminds us, this stuff is tricky.

“One of the challenges of modern dating is learning to distinguish between chemistry that supports intimacy versus the chaos that eventually undermines it,” she says.

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