I’m a mother-of-the-bride and lying awake thinking about this. Who pays nowadays? | Ask Rebecca

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They’re not saying, “Keep your money.” They’re saying, “Keep your money if it comes with opinions about the guest list, the venue and the centrepieces.” Sigh.

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The right thing to do nowadays is to think less about “tradition” and think more about “transparency.” Don’t assume. Ask!

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Financial contributions are no longer expected, but they’re usually appreciated. Try, “We’d love to contribute. What would be most helpful?” Be specific and say,”I’d love to cover the photographer.” Or “I’d love to pay for your dress.” Or “I’d like to pay for the cake” Offer what feels comfortable to you and leave room for your daughter to decide what feels comfortable for her.

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And have a conversation with the groom’s parents, too. You don’t need a summit meeting. You just need enough communication, or 30 awkward minutes, to prevent everyone from operating under wildly different expectations about who’s paying for the late-night food trucks.

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As you pointed out, this isn’t a couple starting their life together. They already started.

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Your daughter’s generation moved in together first, bought a house second, adopted a rescue dog and named him Marshall third, renovated the kitchen fourth, purchased an espresso machine worth more than my first car fifth, and then casually announced, “Oh, we’re getting married.”

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Excuse me? Which is why I wonder if this isn’t really about money. Even you pointed out you were surprised they were getting married.

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Maybe the real question isn’t, “What do I contribute?” Maybe it’s, “What is my role?”

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Two very different questions. Maybe part of you imagined more involvement, more mother-daughter moments, more opportunities to help, which is all 100 per cent normal.

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But this isn’t you being left out. Think of it as proof you raised a human capable of building a life on her own. From one mother to another, please don’t measure your role in dollars.

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Perhaps one day there will be a new, universally accepted understanding as to who pays for what. Unfortunately, that day is not today, and today’s parents —including you — are the transition generation. Mothers-of-brides (and grooms) today are pretty much guinea pigs.

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But this is their day. Their marriage. Their rules. Your job — and biggest contribution — is to enjoy it.

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So, the right thing to do is let them pay for the flowers, the photographer or even the late-night poutine station. It can be a beautiful way of saying, “Thank you for everything you did to get me here.”

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P.S. To my daughter Rowan, and every millennial and gen Z couple reading this: Respectfully, sometimes parents don’t want control. Sometimes they just want to feel included.

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Love, Rebecca

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Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She believes advice should come with humour, compassion, and the occasional reality check. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

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