DEAR ABBY: Wife’s transformation creates new issues at home

Is a spouse insecure about wife's weight loss?

Published Jul 16, 2026  •  Last updated 26 minutes ago  •  2 minute read

A woman demonstrates that she has lost weight. Photo by sabine hürdler /Adobe Stock

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my wife for 23 years. We have three kids and are in our early 40s. My wife has always struggled with her weight, but two years ago she started a plan and has been successful. Her weight loss has prompted me to notice her more, and I’ve noticed as I’ve paid more attention to her in the last few years that she has a wandering eye. I think it is disrespectful.

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To be clear, I’m fully aware that attractive people exist, and a quick look is fine with me. I’m not sure if this started after her weight loss, but it has caused issues at home. I’ve brought it up with her, and we’ve had several arguments. I’ve presented multiple examples, and she claims it’s my insecurities. While I do have insecurities, I would never jeopardize our relationship and only brought up this subject after multiple instances.

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We are at a standstill. I suggested a therapist for her, and things have only gotten worse. The therapist has said I have “narcissistic traits,” and it’s creating a bigger wedge between us. I have thought about divorce multiple times. I need some advice, please. — EYES ON HER IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR ‘EYES’: Has your wife’s therapist ever met you? It seems strange that a professional would diagnose a client’s husband from a distance as having “narcissistic traits” when the problem might be simple insecurity after your wife has become more attractive as a result of her weight loss.

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Yes, attractive people get more attention. And yes, people who were once less attractive may revel in their new status. However, this does not mean they are cheating. Because you were so quick to suggest a therapist for your wife, please consider some counseling for yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I host family birthday dinners for my two adult children, their spouses and my three grandchildren every year. This year, my son informed me that his son, the 8-year-old birthday boy, was having two friends (whom I had never met) sleep over and said they would also be at the birthday dinner. It was fine with me.

The three of them, plus my other two grandchildren (ages 5 and 10), were so excited that they ran through the house screaming when we weren’t eating. When we were seated at the table, they were still screaming. It was so loud you couldn’t talk to the person next to you. Before dinner, they picked food off the buffet with their bare hands. They acted like wild animals.

I didn’t say anything to the kids because I thought it was up to my son and his wife to do it. The next day, my husband told me I should have spoken up since I was the host. Should I have stepped in? — FAILED HOST IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HOST: Yes. The party was in your home, and your wishes and rules should have prevailed. Clearly those children had never been taught not to behave the way they did. Someone should have said something, and that someone was you.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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