SEX FILES: The upgraded trap

Alesich says that many couples will “upgrade” their relationship – moving in together, getting engaged, having a baby – because it feels easier than confronting what’s actually going on in the relationship

Published May 12, 2026  •  4 minute read

Zendaya seen in a scene from "Euphoria." Photo by HBO

Euphoria – the druggy HBO drama – is back after a lengthy hiatus. Five episodes in, and we’ve already seen a pig in a strip club, an exotic dancer in a bejewelled neck brace, and a twice-severed toe. However, it seems that what’s on everyone’s mind is the relationship between Nate and Cassie. Following the season premiere, Google searches for ‘does Nate love Cassie?’ have increased 5000% in the past 30 days – and it’s easy to see why.  

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Nate and Cassie’s relationship is textbook toxic. Over the course of the series, we see Cassie chasing validation, moulding herself into the “perfect” submissive partner for controlling, obsessive Nate. This season, Cassie promotes Nate to husband, and yet their relationship seems more unstable than ever.  

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While the move to matrimony has left some fans scratching their heads, relationship expert and matchmaker from Sister Wives, Robyn Alesich, says it’s the perfect example of a common relationship pattern. 

“Euphoria is showcasing a phenomenon I call the ‘upgrade trap’: where couples use milestone escalation as a replacement for evaluating whether their relationship is actually working. The ring, house, and wedding date are signals of avoidance, rather than love or success,” she says. 

Not unique to fictional couples

Alesich says that many couples will “upgrade” their relationship – moving in together, getting engaged, having a baby – because it feels easier than confronting what’s actually going on in the relationship. 

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It’s the exact dynamic we see play out between Cassie and Nate. Marrying Nate makes Cassie feel like she’s “won” and feeds into her fantasy of being in a loving relationship instead of a controlling one. For Nate, marrying ultra-feminine Cassie means he can create a front of heteronormativity instead of acknowledging his complicated relationship with his sexuality. 

​This pattern isn’t unique to fictional couples. “Every relationship has friction of some kind. The question is whether couples move toward it or away from it,” says Ramiro Castano, LMFT, founder of Find Your Relationship Counselling and author of the forthcoming book What Makes Relationships Last. 

So, how can you tell if your relationship is moving towards growth or if you’re just papering over the cracks? Consider how you handle conflict together. If you’re consistently avoiding potentially difficult moments or conversations while moving towards new milestones, this could be a sign that you’ve fallen into the upgrade trap. “The commitment escalates precisely because addressing what’s underneath feels too threatening,” says Castano. 

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Another easy tell is your emotions around a relationship milestone.  “When a relationship is actually ready to move forward, the relationship feels expansive – both people feel open, curious, and genuinely looking forward to what’s next,” says Cheryl Groskopf, a couples Marriage & Family Therapist. 

​However, with the upgrade trap, commitment is driven by fear and anxiety, i.e., a desire to “lock down” the relationship before it’s too late. Groskopf says, “They may feel like they’re managing something, holding something together, waiting for the version of the relationship they were promised to finally show up.” 

Leaving is easier said than done

While unhealthy, extricating oneself from this type of relationship is easier said than done – especially if you’ve reshaped your friendships, self-worth, and public image around the connection. As Groskopf explains, “At that point it’s not just ‘do I leave this person, ‘but also it’s ‘do I dismantle the version of myself I’ve been living as.’” 

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Leaving becomes more difficult when there’s a lifestyle component involved. “Financial dependence accelerates all of this because it adds a very concrete layer of risk on top of the emotional one, because now leaving requires a plan, resources, and often starting over in multiple areas of life simultaneously,” says Groskopf. 

That said, if you spend most of your time managing the relationship (versus enjoying it) or you frequently catch yourself defending your partner’s behaviour to friends and family, Groskopf says, “The most effective way to interrupt the pattern is to get really honest about what need the relationship is meeting, because the upgrade trap almost always has some type of psychological purpose or function.” There’s a good chance that the relationship is shielding you from something – whether that’s grief, loneliness, a fear of being alone, or a limiting belief that you don’t deserve better.  

On Euphoria, Cassie and Nate’s relationship spirals into the wedding day from hell, but yours doesn’t have to. ​If you’re feeling stuck, Groskopf says working with a therapist can help “heal old attachment wounds that keep you stuck in relationship patterns like this.”  

While relationships require care, they shouldn’t feel like a performance that requires you to reshape or shrink who you are. Working with a professional can help you reconnect with your sense of self outside of the relationship, so that your romantic decisions are made from a place of clarity and self-trust – not fear.  

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