I’m in my 40s and said ‘yes’ twice. Maybe I’m not the marrying kind? | Ask Rebecca

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I didn’t need my husband to complete me. I was already a complete pain in the ass before him. I can live without him. I just don’t want to. This is what happens when you truly are “in like,” which is as swoon-worthy as love.

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What changed when I met him wasn’t that I felt a kind of love I’d never felt. I’d been in love before. What I finally understood was how much I liked the person I loved.

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The right thing to do is start paying more attention to whether you like the men you date. Do you make each other laugh when nothing particularly funny is happening? Can you be bored together without one of you Googling “signs your relationship is over”?

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I hate to complicate things when I was doing so well, but maybe you have become too picky. It happens. As we get older, our list of non-negotiables gets longer while, inconveniently, the dating pool does not get deeper.

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I know women who won’t go on a second date because a man wore the wrong shoes or used too many exclamation marks in a text. These are not red flags! There are standards, and then there’s eliminating an otherwise perfectly good man because you don’t like his socks.

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Try the three-date rule. On the first date, his laugh may be louder than you’d prefer. But by the third date, you may discover he is funny, kind, and you feel completely comfortable around him. You may even find yourself looking forward to seeing him again.

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You say you weren’t raised to see the benefits of marriage. I wouldn’t ignore that. If the marriage you grew up watching looked unhappy, lonely or obligatory, why would marriage seem like a fabulous idea to you? You may discover you’re not afraid of commitment at all. You may be afraid of the version of marriage you thought was normal growing up.

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Don’t wait for whatever magical moment people are referring to when they say, “When you know, you know.” Instead, ask yourself: Do I respect him, trust him, and enjoy his company? And, do I like him?

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Last night, I looked across the room at my husband who I love, eating cereal straight from the box in his sweatpants, and was reminded again that I really like the guy.

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Keep looking for love, but if you’re choosing someone for life, I’d make damn sure you like him too.

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Love Rebecca
Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. 

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