I’m a good listener but no one ever asks about me. Am I missing something? | Ask Rebecca

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Maybe a better question is whether you still value these friendships enough to work this hard at them.

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I also noticed how emphatic you are that no one asks you questions. “No one, and I mean no one.” When the same pattern shows up in every friendship, it’s worth looking at your own role. Do you automatically become The Listener? Fill every silence with another question? Wait to be asked before sharing?

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I’m not letting your friends off the hook, but I’m not letting you off either. You’ve spent years expecting them to notice something you haven’t actually told them.

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You mention asking your friends if they’d like to hear about your “darling or your grandchildren.” Stop doing that.

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Your friends aren’t asking, “Want to hear why my sister and I haven’t spoken in six weeks?” They just tell you. You should, too. So why aren’t you?

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The right thing to do is tell them what you’ve noticed. As every exhausted parent has said to their three-year-old: Use. Your. Words.

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Don’t lead with, “You never ask me anything!” Try, “I love hearing what’s going on in your life, but you rarely ask about mine. Sometimes I leave feeling invisible or like you aren’t interested in my life. Do you notice that?”

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Then follow up with, “Do you actually care what’s going on in my life?”

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Terrifying? Maybe. Some friends may be mortified. Others may say, “Of course I want to hear about your grandchildren. Why wouldn’t you just tell me?”

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So, why don’t you?

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You asked whether these people would miss you if you stopped trying. I think there’s only one way to find out.

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Stop filling every silence and organizing every gathering. Stop sending the “Time for a catch up!” group text. Then see what happens.

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You’re not disappearing to see who comes looking for you. You’re giving others a chance to do some of the work.

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Some friendships will survive beautifully. Some may even get better. Others may reveal they were basically on autopay, with only your credit card on file.

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Give it six months. At that point, you won’t have to wonder which friendships are mutual. You’ll know.

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And don’t assume “nobody asks me questions” means “nobody cares about me.” I know people who’d show up at a hospital at 3 a.m. but forget to ask how something I’d been stressing about turned out.

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Look at the friendship as a whole. Would you call them in a crisis? Would they come? Would they pick you up at the airport at midnight? Frankly, anyone willing to do that has earned permission to forget quite a bit about my life.

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Most importantly, don’t become less interested in people. Become more interested in who is interested in you.

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And please don’t stop being a good listener. The world needs good listeners. Talkers are not in danger of extinction. They’re doing just fine.

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And if some disappear when you stop doing all the work, “let them,” as Mel Robbins keeps telling us.

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Love, Rebecca
Rebecca Eckler is an internationally bestselling author, founder of re:books publishing, Rivkah Books, and co-founder of CANREADS. She’s a professional oversharer and observer of human behaviour, and has spent decades writing about life’s messy twists. She has no formal qualifications for this, other than a lifetime of questionable decisions and excellent stories.

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