DEAR ABBY: Husband’s yearslong secret life is still kept under wraps

Published Dec 29, 2024  •  Last updated 0 minutes ago  •  3 minute read

A partner chooses to remain silent a year after finding out about her husband's affairs. Photo by file photo /Getty Images

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I found out my husband has been cheating on me with multiple women for more than a decade and kept two of his conquests for that entire time. He also sent all our savings to his girlfriends in another country. Because we have two disabled adult children and one neurotypical adult child, I decided to stay in the marriage.

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A year later, I’m still struggling. In fact, I feel worse. I barely sleep and have developed severe anxiety. I have no one to talk to about this because I’m embarrassed and humiliated by what he’s done to our family. To shield my children, since they would suffer needlessly if they knew about his infidelity, I put on a facade and pretend everything is OK.

I am desperate for sleep, but all I do is cry and wander around my house at night. My husband places all the blame on me, which leaves me feeling so betrayed and hurt that I don’t know what to do. What are the steps I need to take to put this behind me and move forward without having to replay it in my head all the time? — ROCKED WORLD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ROCKED WORLD: Your first step should be to speak to your physician about what has been going on, and then to ask for a referral to a licensed mental health professional. It is important you have someone to talk to because remaining silent is making you sick.

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Speaking the truth will not reflect badly on you. Your children have nothing to gain by being kept in the dark. When your husband emptied your bank account, he was hurting them financially as well as you. Once you are emotionally stronger, consult a lawyer and take your cues from that person about how to protect yourself and your children.

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DEAR ABBY: My mom and I have an extremely difficult relationship. She wants to treat me like a child, even though I’m 66. My husband and I do a lot of things for her and her husband, as they’re in their mid-80s.

Thanksgiving was a disaster, and we no longer want to spend any holidays with them. She asks everyone but me why I’m mad at her. When I tried to explain to her in a letter how her actions affect me, she got defensive and called it “hateful.” I don’t like confrontations. I’m like a deer in headlights and can’t think of anything to say to her. How can I let her know we plan to spend our holidays alone now, without her feeling like we hate her? — ALONE IN THE SOUTH

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DEAR ALONE: I see no reason to tell your mother you will spend no more holidays with her and her husband. If she asks, say you have made “other plans” and won’t be available. If she accuses you of hating her or being mad at her, tell her for the reasons stated IN YOUR LETTER, it has become too stressful.

If your mother complains to the rest of the relatives, as she probably will, explain your reasons for skipping the stress-filled holidays and tell them they can explain it to her because every time you have tried, she tunes you out.

— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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