DEAR ABBY: Grandma can’t stand the chaotic mess of family’s home

The untidy conditions of her son's home bother an advice-seeker.

Published May 10, 2026  •  Last updated 22 minutes ago  •  2 minute read

A dirty kitchen. Photo by Andres Jacobi /Getty Images

DEAR ABBY: While I love visiting my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren, I’m uncomfortable because their home is so untidy. I have offered many times to help with the laundry, dishes, picking up toys and even cleaning. They always say no. They say it’s their home and I’m not there to do chores.

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They know I enjoy cleaning and organizing and that it gives me a sense of calmness. I try to look past the clutter, dirty dishes and food particles left on the floor, and to enjoy spending time and playing with my grandchildren. But it’s getting harder to block out the mess each time I visit.

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They live several hours away, so I usually spend a night or two while visiting. For them to visit me is difficult due to their schedules. How can I tell them how much visiting them under these conditions increases my anxiety without offending them? — TIDY MAMA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MAMA: Instead of trying to do everything when you visit, how about choosing ONE thing and doing it? If you do, it may calm your anxieties and still allow plenty of time to devote to your grandchildren. However, if this doesn’t do the trick, you may have to cut back on the time you spend in your son and daughter-in-law’s house or stay in a hotel while you’re there.

DEAR ABBY: My sister recently traveled across the country to visit my husband and me. We had a pleasant time together, but at our dinner party on her last night, she decided that my husband was not merely snubbing her, but had instructed other guests to snub her as well — to ignore her conversation and look away when she spoke. Abby, nothing like this happened!

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When he went to embrace her as she was leaving the next morning, she literally stiff-armed him. She then sent him a string of hateful texts from the airport. When she asked me later on the telephone what she had done to make him treat her so badly, I told her that her version of events had not happened. She responded by sending me an article about men gaslighting women. Is there any way to make her see the truth? — HER CONFUSED BROTHER IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BROTHER: Your sister appears to have had a break from reality during that dinner party. Could it have been alcohol related? If what happened wasn’t alcohol related, it might be a symptom of a mental or physical health problem. If there are family members living with her or close by, they should be informed about what happened. She may need to be seen by a medical professional.

DEAR READERS: I wish a very Happy Mother’s Day to mothers everywhere — birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren, as well as dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today, but each and every day. — LOVE, ABBY

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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